Bullet Clit

Bullet Clit

Characters: Man: Woman:

Place: Time: At Rise:

An Accomplished “Dater.” Good ole Southern Boy who wants a wife… like, NOW. A Tentative “Dater.” Wants love, but is a bit cautious in dating territory.

Sushi Restaurant
8:35pm
Man and Woman, on a first date, are in the midst of their appetizer. Spring Rolls and Gyoza. The date is going somewhat well.

 

MAN
How are the Spring Rolls?

WOMAN
Tasty! I love this plum sauce.

MAN
Yeah. you have a bit on your upper lip….

(He tries to show her, she doesn’t get it at first, so he wipes it away for her. They enjoy this moment.)

MAN
So, how’s the Bumble dating world going for you?

WOMAN
Um, pretty okay. You’re one of my first.

MAN
Oh, WOW! Really! Woah… Your first?!?! I try to line up at least 3-4 dates a week.

WOMAN
Really!? I can’t imagine that many at once….

MAN
What do you mean? That thing is a date generator! It’s like a giant date gun: Boom Boom Boom: Date! Date! Date!

WOMAN
(She looks uncom fortable) I guess just don’t match that often. And when it do, it doesn’t often lead to a date.

Characters: Man: Woman:

Place: Time: At Rise:

Bullet Clit

An Accomplished “Dater.” Good ole Southern Boy who wants a wife… like, NOW. A Tentative “Dater.” Wants love, but is a bit cautious in dating territory.

Sushi Restaurant
8:35pm
Man and Woman, on a first date, are in the midst of their appetizer. Spring Rolls and Gyoza. The date is going somewhat well.

MAN
Oh, that surprises me! You’re so pretty….

WOMAN
(She blushes.) Oh, Thanks (eats another big bite of Spring Roll)

MAN
Yeah. I’m on Bumble, Tinder, Match, and still a bit on OK Cupid, though that one is just like hitting monkeys in a barrel…. No good stuff there but lots of whack-a mole.

WOMAN
That’s a lot of sites….

MAN
Oh, I also do stuff IN PERSON: you know, speed dating, those college and graduate networking events, and I even just reached out to all my friends to start a Date of the Month club, where all my friends sign up for a month and set me up with a lucky lady. I just met Ms. November last weekend… but it didn’t go so well.

WOMAN
What was the problem?

MAN
She showed up in her hot -to-trot outfit and only wanted to talk about other dates she goes on. Plus, when she wasn’t talking about other men, she was talking about gun control and pro-choice bullshit, and I was like–honey, this is not for me. But then when we said goodbye she wanted to make out and rub herself up against me. WOMEN!

WOMAN
So I take it you don’t want to just hook up?

MAN
No, ma’am. I’m here for the long haul. I’m putting in the hours and the effort and the sweat and tears for the big win, you know?

WOMAN
The big win??

MAN
Yeah. The family life. The commitment. The BULLSEYE. Doesn’t every man want that? I want the 2.5 kids, the dog, the briefcase and the lunch packed for me on the kitchen counter, and the morning kiss goodbye. I want the picket fence and the mortgage and the double sinks in the master bathroom.

 

WOMAN
Wow. So you are on all these dates to find that?

MAN
Yeah! I believe we can have it all! Women always talk about having it all, but it goes for men, too, right? The job, the wife, the kids, the house, the dog, the sex, the eternal happiness! YEAH! (he tries to toast her with his Sapporo bottle, but she is a bit slow on the uptake)

WOMAN
That’s ambitious.

MAN
Yeah. It’s a lot of shots and misses. But, I mean, really it all boils down to the fact that I w ant to start having children. I want to be in a relationship. I’ve seen it all already and I just want to settle down and find my spot, you know.

WOMAN
Yeah, I think I know what you mean.

(beat. They think they might be on the same page. Eat sushi. Moment of her worrying she has plum sauce on her face, but he reassures her that she is clean. She thinks she might be able to open up to him.)

MAN
So, you’re almost 40, right? Isn’t that what your profile said?

WOMAN
Yeah, that’s right.

MAN
Do you have children?

WOMAN No…. I don’t.

MAN
Oh. You never wanted them?

WOMAN
No, it’s not that. I think children are wonderful.

MAN

When was your last long-term relationship?

WOMAN
Well…. I’ve never been in one that lasts a long time….

MAN
Oh. You never wanted that?

WOMAN
No, it’s not that. It just never worked out.

MAN
Oh. So you DO want those things? Relationships? Children? I mean You’re almost the big 4-0… you don’t have much longer to be part of the magic. Of giving life.

WOMAN
I realize how old I am. But it’s just not possible.

MAN
Oh you can’t have children? Are you [broken]— ( crestfallen, he makes a strange gesture towards his gut, as if to suggest that she is a barren woman)

WOMAN
It’s not that. My uterus is fine.

MAN
Then what’s the problem?

WOMAN
I have a bit of a deformity.

[MAN scoffs…. Not sure how to react. He’s in strange territory. He mimes “down there?” again, at the table…. Not sure how to respond… lots of weird gestures and lots of unfinished questions.]

WOMAN
(he’s so uncomfortable, she decided to tell him the truth to put him out of misery) I have a bullet for a clit.

(MAN has a moment of confusion. What the hell does she mean?? Then the Man thinks he has it figured out:)

MAN

You mean you have one of those bullet vibrators down there right now?

WOMAN No.

MAN
You mean it’s just really pointy and sensitive and sticks out a bit?

WOMAN No.

MAN
Oh!!! It’s like “Deep Throat”??? Your clit is located in another part of your body? (he is kind of excited at this prospect!)

WOMAN
No. My clit IS a bullet. A bullet is where my clit should be. I was born that way.

MAN
That is…. I thought I had seen it all….[ he is totally mystified!]

WOMAN
Yeah. This is not normally my first date conversation fodder…. But here we are….

MAN
So what does that mean for sex?

WOMAN
Well, i’ve never really found out.

MAN
you mean you’ve never—–

WOMAN
it’s too dangerous! I mean, if I had an orgasm, It would shoot off and …. well, maim anyone and anyTHING in its path. I don’t even masturbate for fear of harming my own hand.

MAN
You must have a lot built up inside of you.

WOMAN
I wouldn’t know any different. It’s my normal.

(Beat. The man is processing this information. The woman is wondering if she made a mistake by telling him.)

MAN
I want to see it.

WOMAN
You’re sweet. But I don’t want to freak you out.

MAN
I won’t get freaked out. I’m not a vagina doctor or anything, but I have seen a LOT of vaginas. [maybe that wasn’t the best thing to say.]

WOMAN
Yea, but my vagina is different. My vagina doesn’t have the potential to give life. It just has the potential to take it away. And I don’t want to hurt anyone.

MAN
But it’s kind of amazing, right, this central spot of life and pleasure is where you house fear and death and pain. And power…..

WOMAN
No one’s ever understood it like that.

MAN
(Gently and softly) Let me just have a touch under the table.

WOMAN Here?

MAN
Yeah. Let’s just bite the bullet. No pun intended.

WOMAN
Okay. If you really want to… Go ahead. Get close.

[He moves to sit directly next to her, and puts his hand under the table.

It feels so good, just the simple act of touch, of intimacy. . She begins to feel pleasure and he forgets the danger, and just enjoys the pleasure he is giving her.]

MAN
See, we can have it all! We can make this work!

[He grabs her pussy confidently]. Boom!!!

The Bullet rips off his hand and sushi flies from the table. He takes his bloody stump back up from under the table and stares at it and screams.

Strobe lights and slow motion movement sequence:

Sirens. Pandemonium. Police. Paramedics.

As the paramedics are taking the Man away on a stretcher, and the police are handcuffing the woman, reading her her Miranda Rights, she mutters to herself:

WOMAN
I have the right to bear children and the right to bear arms, but I can’t have a bullet in my clit!?!?!?!

I didn’t know my own power. See, that’s why I don’t date.

Or, maybe we just let the audience caption contest this moment…

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